Variations On A Theme

I tried most of the day to put into words what I wanted to say, but found that I couldn’t say too much without giving too much information away. Too many folks would figure it who I was talking about, even with a bunch of hypothetical situations, therefore I can’t post anything about it. So I guess I can't tell you what's troubling me.

~~~~~~~~~

I talked with Ben for a while last night and then headed off to bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I put my hand on my back, kinda where it hurts, and tried to stretch. You’ve all seen the gesture. Pregnant women do it all the time with both hands when they’re trying to ease their aching back.

Watching in the mirror I realized that my hand, my pain, was on the same level as my tumor. That’s when it hit me; my sore back is due to the radiation therapy. They hit me from three different directions to minimize the damage to the general area while concentrating as much radiation on the tumor as they could. But the radiation that went straight in passed through my back, and the right side site was pretty much in the back too.

Now I know why my back has been bothering me. If I weren’t so damn observant, I’d just think that I was still fatigued and the lack of exercise was taking its toll.

~~~~~~~~~

As I mentioned before, my Valerian Root is working pretty well. I was up this AM by 7:00-7:30. So, I got up, took my pain meds, started my succession of pills, and jumped on the computer. That was when I heard the knocking at the door. One of my friends from work stopped by to see how I was doing. He’d stopped by several times before and knocked softly but never got a response because Ben was sleeping, and I was probably sleeping with my white noise generator blocking out the extraneous sounds, like light knocking at the door, like it’s supposed to do.

So we had a good talk. He’s working over 60 hours a week and I find that we’re having a lot of new faces show up. And it was he, as I suspected, that left the package of stuff at the back door. He said he figured the book Reservation Road would have been the give-away.

He wanted to take me to breakfast but I had to explain that right now, I’m not normal. But then you knew that already. Until my taste buds and nerves and things get back to being a little more predictable, I can’t treat myself like other people can. But I did explain that and my gratitude for his invitation and how much I hated to have to pass on it. The Ensure did nothing to make me feel any better after he left, either.

~~~~~~~~~

I was feeling rather ambitious today so I dug out the vacuum cleaner. If I’m going to have guests, I want the house looking a little cleaner. I moved a bunch of things out of the living room to make way for a good vacuuming and got started. It was then that I noticed that my vacuum wasn’t picking up very well at all. Investigation proved that a bearing in my brush wasn’t working. My belt was actually smoking!

Well, here was a good opportunity to get a little exercise, so I walked over to the Men’s Mall to pick up a brush assembly. Nothing! No brushes at all! Oh, they had belts and filters, but no brushes. This should be the place that had brushes if anybody should.

So I walked home. Just that bit of effort wiped me out. My back started complaining all over again. It was then that I also realized that I had missed my afternoon pain meds. So I guess I’ll wait to drive somewhere until tomorrow.

I am feeling less fatigued in general, but doing too much can sure tucker me out.

BTW, my fatigue controls a lot of what I can and cannot do. I don’t wish to give the impression that I don’t care about what goes on around me. I care! It’s just that there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it, feeling as fatigued as I have. And, since I have been feeling less fatigued, my anticipation of finally getting something done is increasing by leaps and bounds. It’s kinda like that old joke, “Lord, please give me patience, and I want it NOW!”

~~~~~~~~~

I got an email from an old neighbor today. I shouldn’t call her an old neighbor, since she is younger than I. But she is the neighbor that lived next to me on South Oakland Ave. She finally got into some SSDI housing, she is disabled, and wanted to let me know the changes. Ben goes right by her new place on his way to work.

I replied to her email, but my ISP won’t let the email go out. I’m not even sure if I am getting all my incoming email. I’ve emailed them about the problem before but they couldn’t do anything. It has cleared itself up all by itself last time. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

All my other accounts are working.

~~~~~~~~~

I’m starting to lose my Spanish. I watched Spanglish yesterday and could barely understand the spoken Spanish. Nececito practicar!!!

But you gotta admit that Paz Vega is cute, in any language!

~~~~~~~~~

I’m starting to fade fast, so I think I’ll take my pain meds and my pills, and try to relax. I may not make it until Ben comes home tonight. But he’s off tomorrow, so we’ll have a chance to talk.

I wish a Wendy’s were closer. I’d like to see if that biscuit and gravy was just a fluke since mine didn’t turn out so well.

Kunolunkwa, y te quiero.

Nuremberg II

Getting Better?

Sometimes I wonder. My post yesterday resulted in a couple of comments that said that I’m sounding better. I just wished that I felt better.

My peripheral neuropathy has been acting up today. I can understand now why doctors sometimes prescribe painkillers for the condition. I don’t think that there really is pain; it just feels that way. Does that make sense?

Rather than being stimulated by normal factors like pressure, heat, or shock that cause the nerves to report “pain” to the brain, the anti-cancer chemicals have actually changed the receptors causing them to falsely report the phantom pain.

Now, I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or what it means. I’ll ask on Monday. I’m hoping that it means that my tortured nerves are recovering from the abuse, and are just letting me know about it. It’s like the pain and tingling after your hand or foot has “gone to sleep” and starts “waking up.” Only more intense.

And this is with me taking my pain meds.

I may be feeling better anyway. I’ve done a couple of things today to “change my environment” which is always a good sign. I’m taking more of an interest in the things around me again. That’s the first step. Now, actually doing something about it will be a better indication that I’m getting better.

I am concerned that I’m having a problem with motivation and execution. I know that there are things that I have to do, but for whatever reason, I’m having trouble getting motivated enough to get some of them done. Is this a response to the chemo, like my chemo brain, or is it just my lazy ass not wanting to get up and do things? Enquiring minds want to know!

I’m also down in the dumps over a “people” issue. I’ve been wondering all day how to present it here without “tattling” and I finally figured out how. But I don’t have time to go into it tonight. So maybe I’ll spend the time tomorrow to document the situation and present it here.

Just remember, Kunolunkwa, y te quiero!

Did you check out NUREMBERG II yet? It has applications to my people problem.

One Small Step

As you know, I switched from my OTC sleep meds to something more natural, Valerian Root, for help in sleeping. One thing I’ve always liked has been the fact that I can easily overcome the effects of the valerian root to wake up if I need to. Sometimes, with OTC and prescription meds, that’s difficult to do. Unfortunately, that will take some getting used to.

I awoke this AM at 3:00, trudged off to the little boy’s room, and went back to bed. Unfortunately, I didn’t get back to sleep until 4:00AM with the alarm set for 6:00!! So, I was kinda tired today.

I got up and showered for my appointment at work to have my blood drawn for our new “wellness program.” It took less time than I thought to get ready, so I trundled off to one of the stores that was open that early to pick up a few things I needed, including more Ensure.

Now, I didn’t walk all that far, but it sure tired me out. And the cold weather didn’t help.

I made it to work—now there’s something strange to say—almost ½ hour early. I figured that I’d sit somewhere until my appointment time, but they were able to get me started right away.

BTW, let’s talk politics for a little bit.

[rant on] I had to fill out a questionnaire for someone, insurance company, hospital wellness program, someone! Without it, I couldn’t get my blood drawn. There were questions that I didn’t answer or answered the way I wanted, not according to the reality of the situation.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the “health” professionals are getting pretty inquisitive about things that are none of their business. Couple that with the fact that the doctor/patient confidentiality is long a thing of the past, and you have a possibility of giving up your rights.

You have the right, confirmed by the Bill of Rights, to not incriminate yourself. But if you tell your doctor something that the government has made a crime, and your doctor tells the government, you could go to jail!

Take for example the Second Amendment, you have the right to keep and bear arms with no governmental infringement. The whole purpose of the Second Amendment was to protect your right to defend yourself from the government!

So the government says that people who are depressed, or who have been depressed, are a danger to themselves and to others so they can be denied their right to keep and carry. Remember the lady in Ohio who was strip searched by male and female officers because she answered the question if she were depressed, “You mean now or sometime in the past?”

The government is trying to apply the fact that our returning soldiers may have had episodes of depression to deny them their right to KABA (keep and bear arms).

So, a seemingly innocuous question on a “wellness” questionnaire asking if you are or ever have been depressed can have far-reaching implications. “So tell me, Ben, did you or did you not say on the Bellin Wellness questionnaire you filled out on March 6, 2008 say that you had been depressed? See, your Honor, Mr. Ben admits that he had been depressed, off with his head! I mean, take his weapons away.”

PAY ATTENTION! [rant off]

It was interesting because no one seemed to recognize me. Guys that I’ve worked with for years wouldn’t even look at me. I’d say “hi” and the most I got in return was a “hi?” I can’t blame them, though. I don’t look anything like they last saw me.

I did have one woman say “hi” to me who sounded like she knew me, but I didn’t even know her!!

Even the HR person, Barb, had to ask if I were there and had the vampires, I mean the phlebotomists, point me out. :-)

I didn’t have to do any exercises, though. I wouldn’t have been able to. The whole getting weighed, measured, and drained of blood—BTW that was the most painful antecubital venipuncture that I’ve ever had—was tiring enough all by itself. I was going to stop at another store, but decided it would have to wait for another day.

On the way home, since I was so close, I stopped at a Wendy’s for breakfast. They’ve started serving breakfast while I’ve been sick so I thought I’d try their biscuits and gravy (B&G). I’ve told you before about my search for good B&G. I think I’ve found a good fast food version.

I took it home, but didn’t get around to eating it right away. I’d had an Ensure before I left work—boy does that sound strange—so I wasn’t terribly hungry. Even after heating it in the microwave, it still tasted pretty good. I would recommend that you try it if you like B&G. Now they need to put up a Wendy’s closer to me.

Maybe my taste buds are coming back, I hope, I hope, I hope!!

So here I was, at home and feeling really whipped, so I put my groceries away and headed off to bed just to rest.

My son recently got me started watching TV programs on line. I get to watch episodes of NCIS that haven’t made it to DVD yet. When I ran out of them I tried the CSI series, the original, Miami, and New York. They are mildly interesting. It’s interesting how they treat the same subject on different shows. Miami is pretty much a farce, all flash, not much to think about. Las Vegas is a little better, while New York is the best of the bunch.

After I ran out of those episodes, I started to watch Jericho from the very first episode. Now this is an interesting show. I’m waiting to see how it progresses.

Anyway, I watched “TV” until Ben got up, got ready for and left for work. I watched maybe one more episode and decided to try a nap. I needed it. It was then that the phone rang.

One of my favorite nurses, Nurse Diane, the recent transfer from medical oncology to radiation oncology gave me a call to see how I was doing. After our conversation she told me to keep in touch. She is one of the nurses who cares about the person and not just the patient. I like her.

Thinking about it, she reminds me of my grandmother who died at the ripe old age of 58 back in ’62. At least as much as a boy of 11 can remember his grandma. Nurse Diane fits the body type but doesn’t have the mustache. And is just a few years younger than I, according to her.

So I took the computer out to the recliner and figured that I’d watch some more to stay awake, then go to bed early. Himmy jumped up on the chair on the other side of the end table, walked across all the remotes lying on the tabletop, and plopped himself down between me and the computer. I mentioned that this is a laptop computer, right? I don’t have that much lap! But we worked it out.

I took a small step today that I mentioned in the title. I moved the computer out of the bedroom and reinstalled it back in my “office” after my stint riding the recliner. No more waking up early and jumping on the computer right away without even hitting the head. If I want to play on the computer, I have to get up, get dressed somewhat, and sit in a straight up chair. No more lying in bed and playing on the Internet. Bed is for sleeping.

So, it’s interesting getting used to my ergonomic keyboard again after learning to type on my flat laptop keyboard. And the keys are in different places. No wonder I had such problems typing on the laptop.

And right now, I’m listening to my music on a good set of external speakers.

But I’ll clear all the paperwork and stuff out of the bedroom and turn it back into just a bedroom. Then I need to clean up the “office” and get it livable.

Kunolunkwa, y te quiero!

Here’s a new link for you, NUREMBERG II.

It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood…

…or at least it should be.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I’m going to bed early so I can get up early to get some blood work drawn AT WORK! I’m so excited. Not! Chances are they’re going to ask me to do some exercises from the looks of the paperwork. What is the smiley for raucous laughter? Do they even have one? They’ll be lucky when I get out of their chair.

BTW, I was out today paying bills and picking up a few things. Figured I’d stop at Fazoli’s for their Italian Beef Submarino. First, if there was anything in that sandwich other than the meat and the provolone cheese, I didn’t see it. It should have had onions and peppers. Note the use of the word ‘should.’

Second, they must have gotten their beef from wild cows or something. It contained quite a bit of connective tissue. It was the worst piece of meat that I have had in decades. It worked out quite well for my new chewing routine, though. I would take a bite, chew until all the bread, cheese, and chewable meat was gone, and then spit out this wad of connective tissue. Now, I wasn’t taking big bites but one wad was almost the size of the first joint of my little finger. Nope, not going back for more.

It was the first time I had eaten almost an entire store-bought sandwich in quite a while, but it took me almost an entire movie to do so. I was watching Donnie Darko on my son’s recommendation—pretty good flic, I hadn’t seen it before—so it took at least an hour or more. I suppose the extra chewing had something to do with it, too.

The pain is slowly going away, but can return with astonishing speed. I took my meds when I got up, but without the pain, I sometimes forget to take my pain meds. Like today! But with the sandwich and the big honkin’ pills I take, my stomach can get testy real quick. It’s only been a week since the last assault on my stomach. So, I may be doin’ OK, or I may not. No previous experience to be able to tell.

I asked Ben last night if he thought I was doing better or not. I’m too close to the problem so it’s sometimes hard to tell. And my memory can be rather short on some things. He tells he thinks I’m doing better, so that was good to hear.

It looks like I had more to say than I thought I did. See what happens when you get me talking?

I hope that y’all are doing OK and that things are going well for you. And remember: kunolunkwa, y te quiero!

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith

Happy Six Month Anniversary!

Well, it’s been six months today that I’ve been “disabled.” The insurance company that covers my car payments is looking to cut me loose. They sent forms that, conveniently, never got to me. So, they’ll now send me more forms.

The alternate title to this post was going to be The Times They Are A-Changin’. Things are changing for me, and not necessarily for the better but it’s hard to tell.

My peripheral neuropathy is acting up. I’m hoping that it is reducing, in that I’m getting feeling back into my feet and hands. But it feels strange, and different.

My right ankle and left hip joints are starting to cause me the same pain that got me kicked of the PC and told to take aspirin! I’m hoping that it is just due to the lack of magnesium. I haven’t been taking my supplements as religiously as I should. I sometimes forget. And if you aren’t already supplementing with magnesium, you’d better!

My mouth has a metallic taste to it. I’m hoping that it’s like the neuropathy and an indication that things are getting better. Come on taste buds!!

I stopped shaving the little head hair that I have and started letting it grow. So I have this white peach fuzz where I used to have hair before. I’ll let it grow for a while before making a decision about it. I’m still shaving my face until I have more whiskers show up. The mustache feels like it might be thick enough but the rest is still rather scant.

And my cough is still with me. My assumption is that it is still the same cough that one of my blood pressure meds causes, but it can get annoying sometimes.

I finally started taking some of my herbal supplements. I took valerian root instead of the sleeping meds last night and did pretty well. If I take my passionflower maybe my mood will lighten up a little, too. :-) I haven’t jumped into taking everything all at once. I’m working back into my routine slowly.

I stopped by the health food store and picked up a gentle detox cleanse product. I need to get rid of all the toxins that the chemo and radiation have released in my body. Of course it would help if I drank more water, too.

While I was out yesterday, I hit three stores. By the time I got home, my back was feeling sore and I was starting to curl up into a ball, it seemed. Don’t know what that was about. But I noticed it here at home today as well. I’m wondering if I need more exercise.

Thursday I have to go in and have my blood tested at work. They’ve gone with yet another healthcare provider to help us stop our evil ways and nasty habits. For some reason, the folks in Sheboygan didn’t work out, so now they’ll try some folks here in Green Bay. I told the HR rep that my blood is going to be off the charts for a normal person, but should be fairly normal for what I’m going through. Still gotta do it or lose my insurance. What can I say?

Well, I think that’s all for now. There is still some paperwork that I want to try to get done tonight.

Kunolunkwa, y te quiero!

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith