Sometimes I wonder. My post yesterday resulted in a couple of comments that said that I’m sounding better. I just wished that I felt better.
My peripheral neuropathy has been acting up today. I can understand now why doctors sometimes prescribe painkillers for the condition. I don’t think that there really is pain; it just feels that way. Does that make sense?
Rather than being stimulated by normal factors like pressure, heat, or shock that cause the nerves to report “pain” to the brain, the anti-cancer chemicals have actually changed the receptors causing them to falsely report the phantom pain.
Now, I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal or what it means. I’ll ask on Monday. I’m hoping that it means that my tortured nerves are recovering from the abuse, and are just letting me know about it. It’s like the pain and tingling after your hand or foot has “gone to sleep” and starts “waking up.” Only more intense.
And this is with me taking my pain meds.
I may be feeling better anyway. I’ve done a couple of things today to “change my environment” which is always a good sign. I’m taking more of an interest in the things around me again. That’s the first step. Now, actually doing something about it will be a better indication that I’m getting better.
I am concerned that I’m having a problem with motivation and execution. I know that there are things that I have to do, but for whatever reason, I’m having trouble getting motivated enough to get some of them done. Is this a response to the chemo, like my chemo brain, or is it just my lazy ass not wanting to get up and do things? Enquiring minds want to know!
I’m also down in the dumps over a “people” issue. I’ve been wondering all day how to present it here without “tattling” and I finally figured out how. But I don’t have time to go into it tonight. So maybe I’ll spend the time tomorrow to document the situation and present it here.
Just remember, Kunolunkwa, y te quiero!
Did you check out NUREMBERG II yet? It has applications to my people problem.
H. Ben
Photo from last year.
H. Ben
Current Photo 50 pounds lighter...
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Ribbon
6 comments:
Hello, friend, how is it? I've been out of commission for a while...
In reference to the neuropathy..the pain meds may not work as well for neuropathy as a med designed just for that condition. For example, Neurontin is a good med that eases the pain of peripheral neuropathy, and is thought to actually help restore or stop further damage.
As for the motivation...just think of what you have been through of late!! Your body is most likely saying to you, please let me rest!
Do take notice of your feelings/emotions as well, for lack of motivation is a symptom of depression. Yet, I would think that it is pure fatigue.
I caught your recollection of hypnosis. Hmmph!....More later..
All mine
KMMK
"That’s the first step."
Haven't you heard the first step is the hardest? The reason I commented on you sounding better was in relation to your emotional state rather than your physical condition. As KMMK mentioned, you've been exhibiting many signs of depression. In the course of what you're experiencing I would imagine depression is one of the last things to set in during the downward spiral. You mentioned taking an interest in things around you again. Losing interest in things around you is another sign of depression. If you're taking an interest again...that's a sign you're battling your way back from the depths of depression. This would indicate you've reversed the downward spiral.
I don't know what's happening with you physically but emotionally you sound like you're on the mend. Pushing yourself too hard physically at this point could give you an emotional setback. Remember it takes a lot of physical energy for your body to heal itself so it would be reasonable for you to feel fatigued.
I'm in agreement - you "sound" better.
In fact it brought a smile to my face - and broadened the moustache (you did reference a grandmother)........I'm thinking you sent the facial hair to Utah!!
Kris, I think that you are right. My body does want to rest, but it can't rest forever (at least not yet I hope :-D) and there are things I want to get done.
It's a battle between what my body can do as fatigued as it is and what I want it to do, RIGHT NOW!
And you know that my body is going to win this one, at least for now. I'm feeling like crap right now as it is!
At least the PN pain isn't so terribly great for me, more of an irritation. But with my intimate knowledge of Doctorspeak, it would probably be classified as pain.
Nettie, I'm so antsy to get going that I'm probably wasting energy wanting to take that first step. But I don't want to walk, I wanna run!! Or at least as much as I can at my age. ;-)
And Robin, I wasn't saying anything derogatory about facial hair on a woman. It just one of those things I remember about my grandmother. Besides, I dated a woman who had a mustache and found it sexy. I've always wondered.... Wait, I can't go into that, sorry!
As a general comment, I've said before that I'm an individual. I represent no one group. Cut me and I'll bleed, yes, although I remember one time I didn't bleed when cut. Squash my skull and I'll probably die. I don't want to have that happen just to find out if I fit into that generalization. I am constantly surprised to find out how little I do fit into some categories.
I tell my Latino friends that I am a gringo, but not a typical gringo. I am also a man, but not a typical man, either. I don't like to be pigeon-holed. The chances are, I won't fit.
You mentioned a 'people' issue, am I that people?
“…am I that people?”
NO! Now you have me wondering what I did to give you that impression.
My “people issue” takes two forms. First, many people complain about groups like ‘the government’ or about ‘work.’ You have to remember that all groups are made up of individual people. A group can’t do anything that the least member of their group would do. So, if the least member of the group would have no problem with murdering someone that means that the “group” could conceivably murder someone. That’s why I have been including a link to the article at NUREMBERG II.
The second form of my people issue involves someone whom I have “known” for quite some time. He has a habit of verbally abusing people and then complains at their understandable response. I’m beginning to think that he is a “professional victim.” “See how they’re treating me?”
One of the reasons I like Nettie is due to the fact that she used to have a sig line that read similar to #28 of Swanson’s Unwritten Rules of Management, “You remember 1/3 of what you read, 1/2 of what people tell you, but 100% of what you feel.” How are you making people feel? What is it about you that they will remember?
So, no, you aren’t my “people issue.” And I’m sorry for whatever I did that might lead you to believe that.
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