Another Victory,…

…no matter how small, is still a victory.

I woke up way too early this morning, around 4AM and on a Saturday too, so I jumped online for a while. Finally got back to sleep about 7ish and slept until 9 or so.

I’m wondering if I shouldn’t be trading off on my sleep meds, every other day or week or something. Maybe I’d sleep better.

~~~~~~~~~

But my day went pretty normal until the afternoon when I had company. My friend, Teo, and his lovely six-year-old daughter, Angelina, stopped by to cheer me up. I served him the Jule01 beer I had received from my sister and B-I-L for Christmas, since I am allergic to something in beer and wine. But “don’t cry for me, Argentina!” Southern Comfort and I get along just fine, thank you, along with his friends Ron Bacardi and Jose Quervo! I just haven’t had a chance to “talk” to them in a while. ;- (

BTW, C&R, Teo said it was good, but sweet, like it was made with honey.

So, while Teo and Angelina were here, I dug out some snacks; almonds, cashews, and something like Cracker Jacks; I can’t think of the name right now. So, while they were snacking, I checked the time, made sure I had taken my pain meds, and tried a couple of handfuls. Although I did develop some good belches, which 'shocked and amused' Angelina, I didn’t experience any pain!!!!

Based on that experience, after my next dose of pain meds, I opened a can of clam chowder, the white variety, and tried that, while in the tub! You ever notice how clams are like little rubber erasers, especially when you’re trying to chew them up thoroughly?

The angles are all wrong for me to “express myself”, to burp, while lying down. So, I had to wait until I stood up to get rid of the gas, but that meant there was no pain again to force me to vent prematurely!!!!

Things are definitely looking up.

~~~~~~~~~

BTW, the photo of my chest with the area diagrammed where they are irradiating me has always bothered me. I just figured out why. The photo had been taken in a mirror, so is actually reversed 180 degrees. The mass of the tumor is on my left side. So, I just went back and edited the pic for an accurate representation. Sorry for any inconvenience.

~~~~~~~~

I don’t know if we’ll be going to see Cloverfield tomorrow or not. Ben has to work Sunday, as well. I’ll have to wait and see.

Other than that, it’s been a quiet day except for the rumbling way down deep inside.

Kunolunkwa!

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith

Chocolate Cayenne Truffles

OK, this is where I got my recipe from for my famous, or at least infamous, Trufa de Chocolate y Cayena. It is a bit on the “warm” side for most folks, but the chocolate does “smooth out” the heat.

~~~~~~~~~

I stopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond today after RT, looking for a lotion applicator. Didn’t find anything worth mentioning. So, the search continues.

~~~~~~~~~

That meant that I got home a little later than normal and for some reason, I couldn’t fall asleep, even under my new quilt. So, I’ve been up all afternoon! Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

But I guess my lack of an afternoon nap was offset by how good I felt upon waking this morning. I wish that I could wake up every day feeling like that.

~~~~~~~~~

I was only partially kidding when I complained that a side effect of one of my new anti-cancer drugs was stomach pain. I don’t know now if it’s the tumor or the drugs that they have me on that is causing my stomach pain. But I think that the stomach is getting better. Then again, I’m on pain meds as well. It could be just the hydrocodone talking.

Ah, life in the fast lane!

Not much to say today so I’ll cut this short.

Kunolunkwa!

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith

My Sudoku Quilt

I’ve been asleep most of the day; it helps with the fatigue. And right now, while I can sleep, I have been taking advantage of it. Besides, I don’t feel the side effects of the chemo when I’m sleeping. I’m still waiting for the radiation side effects to kick in.

But then, while sleeping, I don’t get a whole lot done, either.

~~~~~~~~~

I’ve started to use a lotion provided by the Radiation therapists to be proactive with my skin care. But I find I have trouble reaching everywhere to apply it. There must be some sort of applicator that can allow me to apply lotion all the way round my chest and back. Anyone have any ideas?

~~~~~~~~~

And don’t forget about that Name That Tumor contest!!

~~~~~~~~~

My son, several years ago, got me a Sudoku program for my little pocket pc. As I’ve said here before, I love Sudoku. It’s a logic puzzle that’s very simple, but can require great thought. It’s taught me a lot about thinking.

The pocket version of Sudoku includes the ability to change the numbers into colored tiles. For some reason, for me and my chemo brain, I can run through an easy game of Sudoku using the colored tiles in as little as 4 minutes. Using the numbers, it takes me almost twice as long; different part of the brain involved, I guess.

So, today there’s a knock at the door; the postman had left a package from Nettie! I was expecting something from her; she had said in a comment she was sending something to brighten my day, my way.

Well, she did, and it did! Nettie sent me a quilt! And that’s even after I found errors in her “masterpiece.”

I opened the box, pulled out the quilt, and was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, which is pretty unusual for me. The first words out of Ben’s mouth when he saw it was, “That’s pretty!” And I couldn’t agree more. And I didn’t even think of “inspecting” it!! :-)

That’s when I realized that it was in the form of a Sudoku puzzle, correctly solved BTW, with brightly colored tiles. I don’t know if that were intentional or not, but I just LOVE it. I do love the bright colors, as well. I’m sure that you must have noted the bright Mexican blankets in some of the photos of the dogs and me.

So, I had to take a picture of it to share here, and immediately after that, I straightened up my bed and put it on top where I’ll always be able to see it. I slept under it all afternoon.

Thank you, Nettie! You don’t know how much this means to me.

My friend, Nancy, called to see how I was doing tonight, so I told her about the quilt. Her husband, Rawley, had been my best friend and hunting buddy. I think I liked him so much because he was the older brother I never had. But, in addition to that, he had what I just call a “good heart.”

Talking to Nancy was when I realized that Nettie and Rawley were quite similar; Nettie has that same “good heart” quality. I wish that I were more like both of them. Someday, maybe I will be.

So, Thanks again, for your beautiful and generous gift. I think this is the brightest quilt that I’ve seen you make. I love it!

Kunolunkwa!

And Two From Column B

Tired today. Very tired. I only got about six hours of sleep last night, even with the sleeping pills. But at least I didn’t end up like Heath Ledger. What a shame! I’ll always remember him with his ink-stained teeth in The Patriot whenever I think of him.

But I almost napped this AM before my appointment, and slept three hours after I got home.

~~~~~~~~~

BTW, my last meeting with Dr. P. before chemo on Monday had him ask if that had been my sister with me the last time we had talked. I said yes, her and her husband from Denmark. He didn’t say anything else about it. ????

~~~~~~~~~

I started to be proactive with my skin care, so I dug out my vitamin E crème that Amy likes so much and applied some today. When I got to the treatment room I asked about skin care and where the beam was actually going to affect my skin.

The technicians there, three ladies named Amy, Amy, and Paula (just to be different), are great! They’ve always been cheerful whenever I was there. Today I complimented them, Amy and Paula, on how well they work together. Great communication, very fast, and fussy. When you’re going to be running all that radiation through my body, I want you to shoot straight, and be fussy about setting up the target, ME!

BTW, here’s a couple of links to images of the equipment that they are using.
They can image and treat with the same piece of equipment. And they can modulate the beam size to shape it so that they can miss the important stuff and dump as much radiation on the stuff that needs it. Sub-millimeter accuracy!!

So, the techs set to work and diagrammed for me where I’ll need to medicate myself at least four hours before treatment. I thought that you might like to see where and how big an area we are talking about so I took a photo when I got home. I look like one of those photos explaining why you don’t leave the kids at home with magic markers. But, that’s the size and shape of the tumor. They’ll adjust the aperture differently for the treatments from the left and right sides. I can barely touch the spot they’ll use on the right. The left isn’t too bad to get to.

~~~~~~~~~

I did take on Nettie's challenge and found several panels in her quilt that had what I thought might be errors in them depending on her standards. NEVER ask an old QA guy to inspect your work!! I sent two emails but she hasn't replied yet. I hope that she's not mad at me! :-D

~~~~~~~~~

I thought that since I was hungry today that things had gotten better. Apparently not. I stopped on the way home and picked up a pint of Chinese chicken noodle soup and an egg roll. I barely got an eighth of the soup in me when the tumor started acting up. That ended that meal. Back to the Ensure.

We should name this tumor! We could have a contest with prizes to the winners and runners-up. I could send you pieces of whatever we name him perfectly preserved in alcohol for you to put on your shelf. What do you think? I wonder if I can set up a poll on this software.

In the mean time, I started the “Late Diarrhea” phase of my chemo. I had two choices, early within 24 hours, like almost immediately, or later after the 24-hour period was up. I didn’t want to make a choice, but apparently that wasn’t in the game plan. As I said, a battle of side effects.

In addition, while lying in bed, I did get a sharp stabbing pain in the lower left back, above the hip but below the kidney. This one might be the back pain they warned about. We’ll see how things turn out tonight.

And my taste buds are starting to fade, I think.

Kunolunkwa!

Edit Note: The picture of my chest had been taken in a mirror so I had to reverse the image to portray my tumor accurately. 1/26/2008

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith

I Told You So!

This is just great. It seems that one of the new cancer drugs, Carboplatin, can cause stomach pain, loss of appetite, severe diarrhea, weakness, and hair loss. I’m gonna lose MORE hair?

And of course, I should consult with my doctor before taking vitamins, minerals, and other herbal supplements. I can’t receive “live virus” vaccines. And I should avoid the sun—there goes my SAD relief. Nettie, can you get your package back? You should have seen the burqa I had to wear just to blow some snow today!

I may also experience temporary vision loss, difficulty walking—I may have experienced this already right in front of Ben, yesterday—and pain in the back. Now, I know I already experience this. It started yesterday but I believe that it is my right SA joint and not kidney pain. I believe that I sat wrong in those lousy recliners they have.

The Irinotecan may also cause severe diarrhea and stomach cramps. It may impair my thinking and reactions. “Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert.” How’s that for covering your butt?

~~~~~~~~~

Some good news on the eating front, I did have a 10.5 oz. can of Chicken a la King for supper tonight without much pain; with a lot of rumbling and my “hiccups” as an after dinner entertainment treat. And my last pain meds had been about 11:00! At this rate, I’ll be eating solid foods by the weekend. But by then I won’t be able to taste them.

~~~~~~~~~

Note to Ben: We were discussing the body tissue parts I have been bringing up. My thought had been that it was related to the mucositis I had been experiencing. Here is a quick explanation of the time lines involved: “Mucositis due to chemotherapy typically begins 3 to 5 days after the start of therapy, peaks at 7 to 10 days, and slowly subsides over the next week. Mucositis due to radiation usually appears toward the end of the second week of treatment, plateaus during the fourth week of radiation, and may persist for 2 to 3 weeks after treatment is over.” We’re talking mid-March, here.

So, two days of radiation therapy would not be responsible for any digestive tract lining sores, yet, and therefore not responsible for any body tissue parts produced recently. My experience with chemo is consistent with the timeline, however, and those “parts” could have been the result of mouth sores. But with this showing up now, I don’t even have a guess what they are, and where they’re coming from.

One must remember, too, that mucositis can involve the digestive tract lining from the mouth to the anus. My tumor is part of that lining in the stomach.

~~~~~~~~~

I finally ran across an epidemiological study; this one for the Irinotecan. No wonder my prognosis is so low. In one study alone 7.3% of the patients on the Irinotecan died within 30 days of the last study treatment. 9.3% of those on Irinotecan and 5-FU (flurourasil, remember the pump?) died. That’s just the possibility of the side effects of the drugs killing me. We’re not talking about the cancer, yet, just the treatment of the cancer.

Can you see why I’m concerned when my doctor seemingly ignores my concerns about my symptoms? This apparent lack of concern about this body tissue comes from the folks who missed a second, potentially more dangerous PE: my blood clot in my right lung.

Back in my Quality Management days, I used an illustration that I’m about to use here. Imagine you have a machine with 100 parts. Each part has a reliability rate, a survival rate if you will, of 99%. It will fail only 1% of the time. And this machine needs all 100 parts to be working in order to run. Simple, right? How often do you think your machine will be running? 99% of the time? 75%? 50%? If my math is still any good, your machine will be running only 36.6% of the time. That’s a 36.6% survival rate!!! Despite each part having a survival rate of 99%, by the time you add the rates of all the parts together, your machine will be broken down twice as much as it’s running during the week!

Now imagine that one anti-cancer drug has a “failure” rate of 7.5% And, I’ve been on five anti-cancer drugs now. I don’t know the failure rates of all of them, but I imagine that they’re comparable. That means that I'm down to a 67.7% “survival” rate just with the drugs alone. And I still have the effects of the cancer itself to consider.

Can you see why I’m not a big fan of Conventional Medicine?

~~~~~~~~~

Oh, the VLCC changed my chemotherapy routine on me and didn’t tell me. Of course, I hadn’t looked at my appointment card, yet, either. I would have gotten there, but not without some discussion.

I did go on line at their website yesterday to check on my appointments, but for some reason the computer lost ‘em. Probably correcting my name changed the whole system. The email I sent them on their message system asking what happened to my records was returned to me, via email, with my profile info, but no other response. ??? I'll check later this week.

Anyway, I had been getting chemo every three weeks. With the new drugs, I will be getting chemo once each week for three weeks with one week off. They had told me to come back the 28th, but the 28th of January would have been way too early for another treatment according to the old schedule. So, I assumed the 28th of February. If I hadn’t gone looking for my “ten-day” appointment on-line, and then in person, I might have missed my next chemo, even though I would have been right next door.

You would think a change in routine like that might need to be communicated to the patient. Especially, chemo patients with a possibility of the side effect of “chemobrain.” Especially after I’ve told them that I suffer from chemobrain. And the new drugs I’m taking “impairs my thinking.” Ya think?

Oh, I laugh and joke, and try not to show how much it does affect me, but THEY should know from their experience by now. And then the doctor gets his nose out of joint when I try to make sure about things coming up. *Sigh* Ya just cain't win....

And I have an appointment with Dr. R., the oncologist, tomorrow that I hadn’t heard about until today.

Do you guys get treated like this with your doctors, or is it just me in my situation? Am I being too critical about wanting to know things ahead of time? I realize that I’m not working, but I just might have other plans for the day. Just talked with Teo and he plans on stopping by some day, soon. I’d like to be home when he gets off work, picks up his girls, and then stops by.

~~~~~~~~~

On a lighter note, Nettie continues to amaze me with all the stuff she gets done. But occasionally she can miss a deadline.

Nettie is a “dyed in the wool” quilter, if I can put it like that. She makes quilts for folks. I could probably spend a half hour talking about the quilts she has made for folks. They remind me of the quilts my grandmother, the German married to the Norwegian, used to make.

When we went to visit the grandfolks in the new house my grandfather was building, before they had the insulation up, they used to put me in the northwest corner bedroom. The wind comes from the nor’west so in the wintertime that room was the coldest in the house.

But, grandma had plenty of quilts. I remember having so many quilts on that bed that I had to fold down the corner of each one, slide under all those quilts, and then return each quilt to the proper position one by one, and then pull my arm back under the quilts. They were too heavy for a young kid like me to move all at once.

I slept so comfortably like that, that to this day, I like to have the heat to the bedroom turned off, and will quite often, in the winter, open the window and crawl under my heaviest sleeping bag on the bed. If it weren’t for my insomnia, I’d sleep just like that young boy, so many years ago.

But, to get back to my story about Nettie, I’m posting a picture of her latest creation, a king size quilt meant for her daughter and her husband for Christmas of 2006! I can’t even imagine the work that would go into making something like that. And to do it on her schedule. *shakes head*

So I had to show it off here. See what my friend can do!! And did you notice that no two of the square patterns are duplicated? Each one is unique. WTG, Nettie! You have reason to call it a “masterpiece.”

~~~~~~~~~

I did tell someone "so:" I just don’t remember who.

Being of an enquiring nature, I wonder about a lot of things. I’ve always wondered about stories of cats that were purring when they died, or cats that will climb right up on their human, lie down on the spot that hurts on their human, and then proceed to purr their little hearts out. I’ve always thought that there had to be a reason WHY they purr. And not just because they're happy.

So, some years ago I ran across an article similar to this one that discussed how the exact frequency of a cat’s purr would heal bones faster. My thought was that somebody was going to make money off that little bit of knowledge. I was right, in a manner of speaking.

There is a machine out, the TurboSonic Vibration Therapy machine, that apparently can do for the whole human body what cats can do for themselves.

But the history goes back for several decades. The Russians apparently were doing work on the subject first. Then the Germans built a mechanical machine. Then the South Koreans developed one without the mechanics and a whole lot quieter.

The machine operates within the range of 6 – 45 Hertz, while cats purr between 20 to 150 Hertz. But their main frequencies are 25 and 50 Hertz. BTW, Hertz is a fancy way of saying cycles per second.

With a price tag of over $12K for the TurboSonic, I wonder if a regular vibrator will work. Can somebody measure the frequency and let me know? :-D

Kunolunkwa!



"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith

Read My Other Post From Today First…

…before you read this one.

I decided to take a long hot bath before bed. Tubs never seem to fit me right. I almost always think of Procrustes when I take a bath. But WTH, I remember taking baths in a square wash tub in the kitchen up until I was 10. Yup; I’m that old. But I was also a lot more limber then.

While soaking and staring at the wall with my feet up on the wall, I noticed the big toe on my right foot doing a little dance number. Just the big toe on the right foot! Now, I don’t know if it was the rumba or the samba, but there it was swaying—OK, more like jerking—back and forth about 1/16th to 1/8th of an inch. And I didn’t even feel it!

That reminded me about pointing out to Nurse Diane today that quite a few small muscles in my body were just a’twitchin’ after hanging a bag of the cancer drugs.

THAT reminded me that I hadn’t had a chance to research the SFX (side effects) of the drugs “which we are about to receive. Amen” So it could have just been the drugs talkin’ earlier.

I had to stop to get my rat poison refilled; they had doubled me up which meant I used it up twice as fast. I’m a big rat. While I was out that way I stopped in at my health food store and “refilled” my IP-6, as well. They gave me a magazine to try and sell me more products. And for me to learn a few things. And I did.

They talked about SAD: seasonal affective disorder. SAD is usually due to a lack of sunlight. And boy, I haven’t been getting’ the sun like I used to. So earlier could be in part due to SAD, as well.

Before I took the swing down, I was out usually several times a day. Even though I try to avoid the sun, I’d usually get a pretty good tan. I realized that I’m so white—how white are you—I’m so white even my AmerIndian and Mexican friends wouldn’t recognize me now.

I ran into a friend from The Sweatshop a few weeks ago and he didn’t recognize me. I thought it was because I didn’t have any hair or a beard. Now, I know why!!!!

Even when working, I’m in and out of the truck getting sun at least on my face and hands all day long. Now, I’m lucky to see the sun. It's still that big bright yellow thing in the sky during the day, right?

And, yes, Amy; I do realize that I would get a lot more sun if I checked into the H. Lee Moffit Cancer Treatment Center. Thank you ahead of time for pointing that out.

So, starting out first thing in the AM, I have three, possibly four, things that I NEED to do to change things. I’ve been way too—what’s the word—“passive?” Yeah, I think passive will do for now. Let the anger motivate you, not consume you!

BTW, I did notice an “I told you so” item of two that I’ll talk about later.

Go to sleep! And sweet dreams!!

Give a Kid a Hammer….

…and the whole world’s a nail!

If you recall from my post yesterday, I was experiencing pain upon eating and was "bringing up" pieces of body tissues. I said that I’d call in today to find out what’s going on, and I did.

Want to know what’s going on?

So, would I. As it is, I went through another, unscheduled, chemotherapy session!

Now, I can understand the nurse not wanting to look at my body parts. She doesn't really need to; they have experts for that. (Although I do wonder about a squeemish nurse. :-) )But the doctor barely looked at the container, much less at the tissue. I explained what was happening and that I thought the sources could be three in order of likelihood: I was actually coughing up lung tissue, I was bringing up bits of my esophageal lining, or I was bringing up bits of the tumor.

“It is ‘probably’ the tumor.”

WTF? “Probably???” Two days of radiation and I’m bringing up bits of tumor already?

As of 2002, I believe it was, doctors were the number three cause of death in the U. S. Ya think?

And with a one in ten chance of surviving this cancer, you would think that the doctor would be a little more conscientious. But there I go thinking again. It means a lot to me; to him, I’m just another source of revenue for the hospital.

So I underwent, with no preparation at all, my sixth round of chemo and added two new cancer drugs to my list; Irinotecan, and Carboplatin, similar to the Cisplatin I was taking.

So I got home about 5:30, checked a few things on the computer, sipped my evening meal (yes, it still hurt and, no, I wasn’t able to take my pain meds before eating ‘cause I’m saving that for when I really assault my stomach with my nighttime meds), and basically stared off into space for over an hour. I didn’t stir until I remembered that I promised Nurse Martha that I’d stop by tomorrow with a copy of my Chocolate Cayenne Truffles. So I printed out two copies; Nurse Kate might want one as well. She likes it hot!

There I go staring again.

I’m reminded of Jean’s memorable line in Billy Jack, “I just don’t know anymore.” Where’s Billy Jack when you need ‘im?

When I set up my monitor with a TV antenna half a year ago, just to have a working TV around, I remembered seeing all the Cancer Treatment Center commercials for the first time. “Before we came to the Cancer Treatment Center, her local doctor gave her 4-6 months to live. That was two years ago!” Maybe there was a reason.

You know what they call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of his medical college class?

Doctor!

In any case, kunolunkwa!

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith

A Cold Sunday

Since Warren’s timely warning that Cloverfield wasn’t playing in town this weekend left us with little to do, I’ve spent most of the day sleeping. BTW, I did note that Cloverfield did very well at the box office. Maybe it’s better that we go next weekend.

And I did figure out why I’m sleeping so much, lately. Several of the meds I’m taking can make one drowsy. Drowsy + not doing much of anything + staying in a warm bed = sleep. “Elementary, my dear Watson!”

~~~~~~~~~

OK, so I called a nurse last night to ask if my stomach pain could be caused by the radiation therapy. A “reality check,” if you will. She said she had no information to suggest that it was. She suggested calling the doctor, which I will do tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~

Today, after not having had anything solid to eat, just sucking bottles of Ensure, I noticed what appeared to be food particles in my mouth. But, I’ve brushed my teeth and flossed, and it’s been since Friday, or even earlier, that I’ve eaten anything that remotely looks like what I’m finding, my only conclusion is that the particles are part of me.

I wonder if I’ve been coughing up my lungs.

Actually, I’ve experienced this before while undergoing chemotherapy. I would get the mouth sores, and when they started to heal, these chunks would show up. I thought that it was just dead tissue from the sores sloughing off. But, I’m not on chemo, and I don’t have mouth sores. So where are the chunks coming from? My tumor? My esophagus? They do seem to show up after a good cough.

I emptied an allspice spice container, put a couple of cc’s of alcohol in it and started depositing my “samples” in there. I’ll take it with me tomorrow to the VLCC.

Am I too observant?

Geez, I really hope that you aren’t eating when you read this…

~~~~~~~~~

I finished reading Heinlein’s Glory Road today. As I mentioned before, it has been decades unfortunately since I last read this particular book. But I definitely see how he influenced my worldview. That’s not to say that I always agree with him. But he did have considerable influence.

Kunolunkwa!

"As a juror, I will exercise my 1000-year-old duty to arrive at a verdict, not just on the basis of the facts of a particular case, or instructions I am given, but through my power to reason, my knowledge of the Bill of Rights, and my individual conscience. When needful, I will judge the law itself." -L. Neil Smith