That’s how I feel today, near normal, at least so far. I haven’t done much so I haven’t hit my wall yet when my energy just runs out and I’m left to vegetate.
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I was 184 again this AM. And I find that I’m zipping through my Sudoku puzzles easier again.
My pocket PC game maintains statistics. My best time for the last ten ‘easy’ games has been 5:20. That’s five minutes and twenty seconds. Since my recent games on my PPC and on paper have all been in the range of 7 – 9 minutes, how long was the game that blew my average for those 10 games up to 21:27? I don’t even want to think about it.
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I must be feeling better. I got to sleep OK; my melatonin works just fine. I still had some trouble with the 4AM to 6AM time period though. I do remember dreaming then, but I was up and down as well.
You see, in explaining some of this to you, I learn something as well. Reading, skimming really, the Wikipedia article on melatonin, I found that my falling asleep with the lights on might be interrupting my natural melatonin production cycle. Moral of the story, make sure I turn the lights off before succumbing to sleep.
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Anonymous had left a message quite a while back stating that they voted for a private nurse for me, to keep track of my meds and pretty much take care of me. I’ve often thought about that, not that I could even do something like that, but how would this be affecting a significant other (SO), if I had one.
Although I pretty much sleep in one position, especially when I’m hooked up to the pump, when I hit that 4AM point, I’m fairly restless. I end up tossing the covers, getting up frequently, and just plain fussing around. When I’m up, I can seem to be normal for a while, doing dishes, cleaning up, doing productive things, and then I hit that wall and then I can’t seem to get anything done.
When I’m doing OK, things wouldn’t be too bad for my SO. But when I’m feeling like death warmed over, and there’s nothing she could do, how would she feel? And then how would I feel, knowing how she must feel? Maybe things worked out for the best.
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I’m going to have to be cautious, now that I have 2 –2/3 seasons of NCIS to watch. I want to get a whole bunch of things done. But my “condition” can become a convenient excuse to just sit down and vegetate for a while. Even though I have almost three weeks before Round 4 starts, those days can pass quickly.
So, please feel free to bitch at me, I mean cheer me on, to keep me productive. If I need to rest, I need to rest. But, I don’t have to sit on my butt all the time. And sometimes it can get to be hard to tell the difference between need and desire.
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The neighbors mowed the lawn around me today. Now my lawn looks like crap. So, I’m going to need to get out there and mow. Today is too cold and windy. I don’t mind the wind, but the cold does seem to affect me more. And I still don’t know where summer went. I shall husband my strength for a few days. Maybe when it's closer to the weekend I'll be able to get to it.
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2 comments:
You aren't giving much credit............a SO would not look at the situation as you are describing.
Or are you suggesting how you would behave if the table were turned..........shame on you!
Hell, if you have the dishes done - where could anyone complain?!
When I read your response last night, I had to check my shoes. Nope, I hadn't stepped in anything that I could tell.
I checked what I had written and found that I had asked questions, pretty much of myself, so I hadn't really said much of anything except what I was wondering about.
How would I feel if the tables were turned and my SO had cancer?
So let's get analytical. I'm not normal; I'll tell you that right now. One of my favorite authors said that love is when the happiness of the object of your attention is essential to your happiness. Going through chemo wouldn't make someone happy. It certainly don't make me happy.
I'm also a sovereign individual; I believe in self-ownership, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-ownership. I have the exclusive right to control my own body and property. Therefore, I am used to controlling my fate, not waiting for someone else to control my fate. Or at least trying to control my fate.
If my SO did have cancer, an dif I did love my SO, I would be trying everything in my power to see that she was happy and comfortable, to control HER fate. Intellectually, although I understand that I couldn't always "make things better," I would be doing my darndest to do so for her.
Therein lies my dilemma. I want her to be comfortable and as happy as possible, and I can't do anything to ensure that. How would I feel?
Helpless, that's how.
Now, I realize that I may not be making much sense here lately. But I hope that I'm not going too far off the deep end....
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