“Purple Haze was in my brain…”

"…lately things don't seem the same,
actin' funny but I don't know why
'scuse me while I kiss the sky."

But you see, there’s the difference, I DO know why.

I’d like very much for you to understand what I’m about to say. So I’d like for you to go to this article, Lost in cancer's fog, and read it first. Listen to the patients, notice the symptoms they describe, and then reflect on my recent past. Notice anything, anything at all?

This is what I’m going through, to some extent, right now. They call it “chemobrain.” Quite possibly it’s a reaction to killing brain cells along with cancer cells.

But I’ve been here before. I went through all this before. I thought I was over it.

When in my 30's and 40’s, I complained to my doctors that I was losing my concentration, my ability to think, to remember. Most of the time, I was just ignored. When I persisted with my complaint the doctors pooh-poohed my concerns on the matter. “Aw, you’re just getting older, memory is starting to go. You know how it is.”

I’d been losing my ability to concentrate and to remember for quite a few years, but like the article characterizes chemobrain, "It's subtle," she said. "We are not talking about dementia or anything grossly obvious."

It came to a head when I moved to Green Bay ten years ago. Thankfully, I had a son who got me started on the Internet so I could do the limited research that I have. I’d never have been able to do the research I did through a library.

As I tried to work through all this, without the help of the Conventional Medicine practitioners, I learned more and more. Trying to keep it in my head was the problem. Eventually, I convinced myself what the real issue was, and took steps to relive the symptoms, and the problem.

And I succeeded, or so I thought. Things were getting better. I didn’t need to make notes to remember things. I’d gotten off the meds I talked the doctors into giving me to increase my concentration.

But the reason for my memory issues could have also caused my cancer as well. And it could also be part of the reason for chemobrain. But more on that later.

What I’d like you to do is to review the symptoms described in that article and to think back over the last ten years or so and your relationship with me. Notice anything?

One thing the article doesn’t mention is the mood changes. I don’t know if they are there and just not being mentioned, or if, with chemobrain, they are actually non-existent. But with the neurological issues I faced earlier, they played a big part of what was going on with me.

You just didn’t know. How could I explain something I didn’t understand, something that CM doctors wouldn’t talk about?

So, in a long-winded kind of way, I guess I’m apologizing for all those years of my not living up to your expectations. It wasn’t personal; there was an underlying cause. One that I’m having to live through again.